you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
