Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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