Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
