Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
