Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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