I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize