remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Randomize
