I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
