Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize