someone threw a dead crab at me
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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