Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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