yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The best revenge is premature balding
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
