I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
