I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
