I want to make a zoo with you.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
