Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
