Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
