Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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