Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
