I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize