Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
