well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
