Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize