I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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