This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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