I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
whose parrot is this?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
