my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
