so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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