Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
