Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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