he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
