The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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