You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
