was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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