just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
