I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
