Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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