My liver just broke up with me...
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
