Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
