i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
4 words: hood of his car
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
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