the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ladies don't puke and tell
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize