Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize