before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
