hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
