So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
