why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
