I will die if light touches me.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize