you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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