I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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