over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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