i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
