i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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