I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
