Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
