the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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