My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
