Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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